Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sad Learning Experience

picture taken 11/8/10

I guess I should start this by saying for those of you that didn't know, I was pregnant. I found out when I was only 3 weeks along and was 8 weeks this week.

About a week ago I started having lower back pain. On Monday I started spotting lightly but also had cramps with it. I was trying to not worry but I had never spotted with Keilei or Rush so deep down I figured I was going to have a miscarriage.

Tuesday- I went in that morning to get my blood drawn to test my hCG levels. It was Sean's 28th Birthday and we went to lunch at El Toro Viejo but my cramps and back pain had become pretty intense so I was squirming the whole time. I had also started bleeding heavier. I felt bad because I ruined his birthday but I was so glad he was off work. He took care of the kids for the day. I loaded up on Tylenol pm & Ibuprofen got a heating pad for my back and went to bed for the day.

Wednesday- Was intense, intense pain that is. I called the nurse and she called in some stronger pain killers for me. Pretty much anytime I was awake I was bawling. Sean once again was amazing and took care of the kids ALL day. We had tickets to go see Forgotten Carols that night for his birthday. There was NO way I could go. Sean ended up giving them away to someone on the department. I felt so bad and sad, I really wanted to see it. I had been looking forward to our date night. I was disappointed and sad that I was having a miscarriage but on Wed. I was in so much pain all I could think about was when it was going to be over.

Thurs- I went back in to get another blood draw. My pain wasn't near as bad but I was so tired. I ran to the post office to get a box but when I stood up I felt a gush of stuff come out of me. I hurried home to the bathroom. I found a golf ball sized blood clot on my pad. I had passed "the product of conception" as the nurse said. But to me I had lost a baby!
Now that the pain is not intense my emotions are taking over. I find myself on the brim of tears no matter what I do. I just had a miscarriage:(

It was a learning experience because
1- I thought miscarriages where a one day, not so
2 - I figured they where painful but had no idea how painful
3 - learning to except Gods will. We weren't planning on getting pregnant but it happened. We were planning on waiting a few years. Then excepting God's will in having the miscarriage. Though this baby wasn't planned I was so excited to have a new little baby.
Sean told me he felt bad for what I was going through. Then he pointed out how "experienced I was" I have had a C-section, Vaginal birth(w/an episiodomy that got infected), Miscarriage, and a serious injury that left me with continuing headaches. I have to admit I hadn't thought of it in that way. Although I could have done with out half of that. But once again it is learning to accept God's will. Sean also pointed out that we are blessed because we can get pregnant so quickly. Which is true and I am very grateful for that.

So I am sure I will have my ups and downs, but all in all I am doing ok.


Mama Mia said...

oh jana, i'm so sorry. nothing i can say will make you feel any better, except i can say that i have been there, and it is very hard to go through. i had two miscarriages before i had chloe, one at 11 weeks and one at 9 weeks. and like you, i tried passing the first one. it was sooo painful. after i passed my 'golf ball sized blood clot' the very next day i went into my ob and he gave me a d&c. when i found out i was miscarrying with the second one, and they were absolutely positive, i went ahead and just did the d&c so i didn't have to go through all of that again....
please know that you are in my thoughts. i love you.
my mom had gotten me a really neat church book called 'Gone Too Soon' that i recommend you read. Since there really isn't any scriptural advice to what happens when a woman has a miscarriage, this book really helped me get through it. i really felt that heavenly father was crying right along with me. and it helped me understand that even though tyler wasn't the one that was pregnant, that he indeed was also grieving, because he too lost a baby.
if you want to talk, please email me at and maybe i can help in some small way. give your babies a big squeeze!
love you! xoxo

Dave and Jenny McConnel said...

Oh Jana! I'm so sorry! I hope you start feeling better soon!

Missy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss! I can only imagine how heartbreaking that would be. I hope that in time things will get better for you. Take care!

Kim said...

Oh Jana, I am so sorry. I feel really bad because you couldn't tell me on Sunday because I was so wrapped up in my own little world. I am sorry that I wasn't there for you.
If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Love you.